God is God

“God is who He says he is, and he does what he says he will do, even when we can’t see it.” First 5

If you would just let me be able to chew food…

If you would just let me be able to hold my daughter…

If you would just let me be able to exercise…

If you would just let me be able to use my hands fully…

If you would just let the medicine work…

If you would just take away the double vision…

If you would just allow me to smile fully…

If you would just give me more energy…

 

Then…

 

I could be happier.

I could be a better wife.

I could be a better mom.

I could be a better friend.

I could be a better Christian.

 

My prayers became bargaining sessions each and every night. As I lay in bed, I’d curl over on my side, knees tucked up to my chest, and squeeze my eyes shut while hot tears seeped out of the corners. I’d stifle the sobs so as to not wake my husband sleeping beside me. And I’d beg. I’d plea. I’d promise I’d be better if He would just take it all away. I’d promise that I would glorify Him though the healing. That I’d share with all my joy and faith that comes only through knowing, loving, and trusting Christ. If only He’d heal me.

 

And then I stopped praying.

 

I stopped praying because He wasn’t giving me the answers I wanted. I stopped praying because He seemed so very far away. I stopped praying because I wasn’t willing to see the whole picture. I stopped praying because I thought I knew best. And through this silence I learned two very important things.

 

First, I learned how badly I need the church. I knew that while I was no longer praying for healing, there were others that were. Hundreds of others were going to the throne room on my behalf and petitioning for me. I would love to tell you that in my weakest moments, in my darkest nights, in my deepest valley, I looked up and saw God. The sad truth is that I grew harder and harder each and every day. Because of the church and fellow believers I came out on the other end. And I can look back and clearly see that now. So I encourage you to pray for your brothers and sisters who are in deep despair. Because if they are anything like me they need you to go to Him who sit on His throne and bends down to hear our sweet pleas. They need you because it hurts too much right now. The burden is too heavy and they are having a hard time giving it all to God.

 

Second, I learned that God is God and “God doesn’t want us to focus on what we can do…He is asking us to focus on what He can do.”* And the moment I start to think that my way could possibly be better than my all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God, then I’ve reduced Him down to a God that isn’t worthy of my praise. I don’t know or understand God’s plan AT ALL. All I do know is that we must trust His promises. And he promises that all things work out for the good of those who love Him. I know that this path is hard. This path is littered with obstacles. Those obstacles are simply a part of my path. My path is mine and He is walking beside me, carrying me at times, and cheering me on. The goal isn’t an easy life here on this earth. My focus must be eternal. And because I have the promise of eternal life with Him in glory I persevere, I push forward, and I praise God for His good and perfect plan that led me to Him.

 

One day, perhaps in eternity, maybe sooner, I’ll smile again, I’ll use my hands properly again, I won’t need the medicine, I’ll see clearly, I’ll have my energy, I’ll be whole. Oh what a day that will be.  Until that day, I’ll wait with expectation because God is who He says He is and He will always keep His promises.

 

 

*Ann Swindell